I like Biden, but I really want to get paid to make new campaign signs

Hello, I am a concerned Democratic voter and I believe it is imperative that President Joe Biden step aside and allow a new candidate to take his place in the presidential race.
The fact that I also run a large printing company that makes yard signs, bumper stickers, posters and other campaign merchandise has nothing whatsoever to do with my sincere concern for the future of our country and my belief that Democrats need to put forward the best candidate possible.
Like many Americans, I watched Biden’s poor performance during the recent presidential debate. I was in the middle of completing an invoice charging the Biden campaign for its recent order of 500,000 “Biden/Harris 2024” hats, and it pained me to see the president’s halting performance and to imagine the Democratic Party having to order an entirely new set of hats with different names on them.
I would not want that to happen, and it would pain me to use the money I would make from an order like that on the summer home my wife and I have been hoping to buy. But I do think it needs to happen. Please.
The dilemma – whether to replace a tried-and-true leader over one poor debate performance – haunted me as I oversaw the printing of large “Biden/Harris” banners for the upcoming Democratic National Convention.
What a tragedy it would be if the party had to pay me a second time to print an entirely different set of banners that read something like “Harris/Whitmer 2024” or “Harris/Newsom 2024” or “Michelle/Oprah 2024.” Or possibly all three, just to be on the safe side. A true, lucrative tragedy indeed.
But I hear the cries from liberal pundits and Democratic strategists and talking heads convinced they can predict the future. And to them, I say: “Well, if you demand change, I will gladly accommodate the printing of new high-quality signs and merchandise.” I would also point out that while we don’t offer refunds or additional discounts, I and everyone at my printing company would patriotically step up and get the work done, for a slightly elevated charge due to the quick turnaround.
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My biggest concern right now is not my company’s ability to quickly complete any order the Democratic Party might need at competitive prices that can’t be beaten. No, my concern is the future of our democracy and which path forward makes the most sense, as well as a small concern about the aforementioned summer home getting sold to someone else before the Democratic Party decides to place its new order with me.
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On the one hand, Biden is a known commodity and may well represent the party’s best chance to beat Donald Trump, who has not placed any printing orders with my company. On the other hand, liberal voters have long held concerns about Biden’s age and might be energized seeing Vice President Kamala Harris or other younger Democrats on the ticket. Also, I really want that summer home.
So my suggestion to the Democratic Party, as a patriot and not as the owner of the most-reliable printing company in America, is this: Cover all your bases. Order signs, bumper stickers, pins of assorted sizes, leaflets, mailers, key chains, mugs, glasses, T-shirts, hoodies and assorted sleepwear that carry the name of every possible Democratic ticket combination. Voters will admire your preparedness, and my company will appreciate your business.
The political media has made it clear it needs Biden to step aside in order to feed a compelling narrative of chaos and dysfunction that will keep viewers and readers engaged while also allowing democracy to slip through our fingers. If that means I get to reprint thousands of yard signs and am able to purchase my summer home, well, that’s just a happy coincidence.
(Also, while I wish the Democrats all the luck in the world, my company is available post-election if Trump needs help with signage at the prisons where he’ll be putting all the hysterical liberal pundits who paved the way for his victory and inevitable dictatorship.)
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk